He has abandonment issues – she has shame issues. Two people come together with these issues and you will find a serious amount of electricity. This is actually a good thing in the beginning as electricity can translate into two people falling madly in love, sparks surely fly and there’s a sweet glaze of optimism over everything. Whatever red flags do make an appearance are usually discounted or minimized before you even get a chance to think clearly due to the sweet honey glaze that creates a barrier over your rational judgment. This electricity doesn’t dissipate or end over time in a relationship like this. In fact, it grows. It gains strength through his abandonment and her shame.
When abandonment and shame come together, they perform. They put on quite a show and ultimately they leave everything these two have built in complete devastation and destruction. What does these two troublemakers getting their groove on look like? Here’s an example: Husband (John) has abandonment issues. John’s issues did not stem from a parent leaving or dying as you might typically see; but more from growing up in a family where they could not get ahead, he had to supplement the family’s income by working at an early age. He didn’t have his need of safety met and felt abandoned by the adults in his life that should have made him safe and secure in his home. His fear of abandonment isn’t just fear of being left, but also fear of being taken for granted, fear of having to be the only responsible one, and fear of being not good enough. These fears that live under the surface and are not always obvious in the conscious mind, ultimately create and position him to be in scenarios where he either is or truly perceives that he is … taken for granted, the only responsible one, not good enough and eventually left.
Wife (Sharry) has shame issues. Sharry’s issues started to develop in late childhood, early adolescence when Sharry’s older sister could do no wrong, leaving Sharry as the bad seed or scapegoat within her family system. Every decision Sharry made was criticized, and year after year she was shamed for her grades, her choice of friends, her choice of boyfriends, and on and on. She fears being judged, criticized or put down. These fears that live under the surface ultimately create and position her to be in scenarios where she either is or truly perceives that she is … judged, criticized and put down. Whether intentional or not, when these two get together he seems to be judgmental toward her, critical toward her and puts her down. She seems to be unappreciative, irresponsible, makes him feel like he’s not good enough and ultimately leaves him.
If these issues are not addressed by a professional, in a safe environment, that’s exactly what will play out. This is how a marriage breaks.