This week, my parents celebrated their 47th wedding anniversary. My dad is incredibly proud of this accomplishment, and he is still in love as my mom gushes. You can see it in his eyes and feel it when he talks.
My husband’s mom and dad would have just celebrated their 48th wedding anniversary if his dad had not unfortunately passed five years ago. However, on their 43rd wedding anniversary, my husband drove his parents to Charleston’s Restaurant here in town for their wedding anniversary, because his father could no longer drive himself due to his deteriorating health. His dad gave him money to get flowers and buy a gift. The three of them — my mother-in-law, father-in-law and husband ate one last anniversary date dinner together as my father-in-law, too, was proud and still in love– and my mother-in-law gushed, gazing at each other like teenagers.
What both my parents and my in-laws have in common is true COMMITMENT. Commitment is defined as “an obligation that restricts freedom of action”. Commitment is a pure combination of dedication, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, responsibility and allegiance– no matter what the circumstances!
I write this as I am witness to a broad range of marriages in both my personal and professional therapy life. I admire my parents and my husband’s parents for having the perseverance, fortitude and strength to uphold the commitments that they made to each other on their wedding days. Do you think I’m not naive enough to believe that my dad didn’t see a hot pretty woman at the bar in all of his business road trips? He surely did– but he didn’t act on it. Am I naive enough to believe my mom was never tempted to drink a few extra glasses of wine to numb her loneliness when my dad traveled overnight for work? She surely did–but she didn’t act on it. My parents and in-laws in 43 or more years of marriage have had happiness and love; yet, they also had their fair share of issues–pain, sorrow, boredom, temptation, stress, anxiety, frustration and every other reason that people find as excuses to break their commitments. Having respect for their commitment to each other and working through their issues in a healthy way together has enabled them to celebrate these anniversaries with joy and pride in knowing that they achieved these milestones without exits.
The work that can be done through examination of yourself, the people that raised you and have played significant roles in your life, is life changing. Being in a relationship with someone, building a life with someone really requires knowing yourself and knowing your partner. Dr. Bernard Baca, an Imago therapist in Indianapolis, has taught me that when you and your partner argue, get bored, frustrated with each other, feel pain, and feel wronged; you are acting out from wounds when you were young. Learning what those wounds are in you and your spouse can change everything – it can provide lifelong needed healing, and two people committed to understanding each other.
I’ve learned that in a committed relationship, where two people are willing to work on their issues, a “no exit” strategy is necessary. There should be no “exits”. There should be no “back door”. These are conveniences that one spouse or the other often partake in when they feel they have an issue with the other that is a good enough excuse to do whatever they think feels good– whether it hurts their spouse or not. The three convenient and all-too-common back-door exits I’ve seen (and used) are:
1) Cheating — having a temporary affair or multiple affair
2) Using drugs or alcohol excessively to numb out and escape bad feelings
3) Using pornography or visiting sex clubs
There are, of course, more extreme and permanent exits that involve murder or suicide–such as those we hear about on the local news or even with famous athletes and celebrities. As well, there are many devices to numb out or escape such as overworking, overeating, overparenting, and so on.
My parents and my husband’s parents have had issues as we all do – but they have committed to knowing each other enough to understand why we do what we do. Ask yourself, are you committed? Have you closed the exits I mentioned above in order to truly give it 100%? Therapy is not a place where the professional tells you who is wrong and who is right. It is a safe place for two people who are committed to get to know each other on a deeper level and understand why they act the way they do, and why they feel what they feel. Implement the “no exit” strategy, commit to it for 6 months, and see what a difference it can make.